


Safe

by Bookkbaby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9.03 coda, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching (not Dean/Cas)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 03:50:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookkbaby/pseuds/Bookkbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She…" Cas clears his throat. "I didn’t- I asked her to stop."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe

Cas sits on the edge of Dean’s bed. His hand plays idly with the corner of the sheet and he fights the urge to look around and touch everything.

He’d missed this. For weeks, he had wanted nothing more than to be home. He had wanted to be back in Dean’s arms and in his bed, but things had been quiet and tense since Dean and Sam had found him.

Have Dean’s feelings for him changed? Does he want to end their relationship now, since Cas is no longer useful and is, instead, a target?

Cas scolds himself for the thought. If he knows anything about Dean Winchester, it is that Dean cares very deeply for those he allows close.

The bedroom door opens and Dean slips inside. He pauses when he notices Cas on the bed and Cas can almost hear the internal battle. Finally, Dean takes a deep breath.

"Cas," he says. Cas’s heart sinks, chest heavy and leaden. There’s none of the warmth Cas is used to hearing in Dean’s voice, so little of the welcome he’d hoped for. Some nights, it had been what carried him through and kept him moving forward.

 

"Dean," Cas says in return. He swallows thickly, nervous. "I wanted to talk to you."

Dean snorts and shakes his head.

"I bet you do," he says. He closes the door behind himself and heads towards the immaculate desk, not looking at Cas. "I don’t want to hear it."

Cas’s heart plummets. He looks down and clenches his fists in Dean’s sheets. He feels his eyes burn, but he can handle this. He can.

"I’m sorry," he says softly. Sorry for what, he isn’t even sure anymore, but surely there must be something. Sorry he’s lost his powers right now, when Sam needs healing so desperately. Sorry he can’t hear Dean’s prayers anymore. Sorry he can’t tell what Dean is thinking, nor knows how to make it better.

He’s sorry he came back. If Dean doesn’t want him here-

Dean snorts, sharp and derisive.

"Sorry, but ‘sorry’ ain’t gonna cut it," Dean says, though his voice is entirely unapologetic. He sounds  _angry_.

"What do you want me to say?" Cas asks. His voice is quiet and small, as small as he feels.

"Nothing," Dean snaps. He sucks in a deep breath and the next time he speaks, Cas can hear the hurt. "Look, I know- I know we didn’t talk about it, but I thought… I thought we… Damnit."

Cas stands up, helpless against the raw pain he can hear in Dean’s voice. He doesn’t know what’s troubling him, but if it’s something Cas did, he’s desperate to fix it. He walks around the bed to Dean, but thinks better of reaching for him when Dean tenses.

"You thought we what, Dean?" Cas prompts softly. Dean’s anger reignites in a flash and he whirls on Cas, furious.

"I thought we  _had something_ , Cas, that’s what I fucking thought!” he snarls, voice practically a shout. Cas flinches at the sudden loud sound, but stands his ground. “Maybe it works differently up in Heaven, but on Earth we have a little something called  _fidelity_ , and-“

"You question my faithfulness, Dean?" Cas asks, voice suddenly icy with anger. How dare he. How  _dare he_  question Castiel’s devotion when for years, Cas had been forced to watch Dean run happily into the arms and beds of anyone who would take him and still Cas had not been swayed from his choice. Cas had always been devoted to Dean, even before they had begun their relationship, and  _now_  Dean questions him?

"You’re saying I shouldn’t?" Dean says, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.

"Yes, you-" Cas begins, but Dean laughs hollowly and speaks again.

"What about April?"

It’s as if Cas is suddenly submerged in a bath of ice. He shivers, skin crawling with sudden memory of unwanted, too-intimate touches, the way the bile had crept up his throat, and the lingering fear that had kept him up most of the night as he lay on her couch, waiting for the sound of the door that would indicate she was coming  _back_.

"Cas?" Dean’s voice, worried now, and Cas can’t meet his eyes. He’s still shaking, he realizes dimly, his arms folded over his chest as though it might provide some warmth, but he still feels cold.

"She…" He clears his throat. "I didn’t- I asked her to stop."

She almost hadn’t. She’d lingered, asked if he was sure,  _hadn’t stopped touching him_ , and after she’d finally left, he’d spent the night curled up on her couch and listening with baited breath for the sound of her door. Only the chill outside and the fear of hypothermia had kept him in the apartment that night and in the morning, he’d woken to his sword against his throat.

“ _Shit_.”

Dean’s arms are suddenly around him, tight and unyielding and Cas thinks he should feel trapped. Instead, he feels cradled. He feels  _safe_  and there’s warmth radiating off of Dean’s body and soaking into Cas’s skin. He’s still shivering, still chilled by the memories, but Dean’s holding him and Cas doesn’t know why.

"I’m sorry," he whispers into Dean’s ear. There’s a lump in his throat that’s hard to talk around, a lump made up of guilt and shame and he wants to bury his face in Dean’s neck and just inhale. He wants to wrap his arms around Dean in turn and crush their bodies together. He wants Dean’s heat to erase the cold, clammy touch he can still feel, but he can’t ask that of Dean.

"No," Dean says, voice thick with emotion, and Cas feels sick. He tries to pull back, but Dean’s shaking his head and holding Cas tighter. "Fuck. I’m sorry, Cas. You don’t have anything to be sorry for, I’m so fucking… shit. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, I should’ve known you wouldn’t…  _shit_.”

Cas uncrosses his arms and tentatively wraps them around Dean instead. Dean takes the chance to hold Cas even tighter. Cas breathes, each inhale trembling in his lungs.

"I should have known," Cas says. "I should have guessed when she asked me to come back to her apartment, I should have-"

"Cas." Dean pulls back from the hug, but just enough to cup Cas’s face with both his hands, so gently that Cas could pull away if he wants to. He doesn’t.

Dean meets his eyes and Cas holds his gaze, holding his breath on what Dean has to say.

Cas doesn’t want to lose this. His hands fist in the material of Dean’s shirt, then loosen, because this is not his decision alone and Dean was so  _angry_.  Cas can’t read Dean’s expression now. He doesn’t know if he quite dares to.

"You didn’t know," Dean says, voice hoarse. "You couldn’t have known." Dean swallows thickly. "I don’t blame you, ok? You didn’t… you didn’t want it."

That last part wasn’t a question. Cas nods anyway, one hand coming up to clutch at Dean’s hand and make sure Dean doesn’t stop touching him.

"I asked her to stop," he repeats, like the words are some magic talisman against the memories. He still feels ill, though, with guilt and denial still   
roiling through his gut. “And she did, but… not right away.”

The words had caught in his throat. He’d been so startled by the sudden touches, the swift change from healing to coveting, and he hadn’t been able to speak until after she’d already opened his belt and tugged his pants over his hips.

He should have reacted quicker, he should have been able to say ‘no’, he should have, he should have,  _he should have_.

"I’m sorry," he says again, quickly. Dean closes his eyes as though he’s in pain and Cas frowns. He opens his mouth to ask what hurts, but the words die on his tongue when Dean leans in and presses their foreheads together.

"It’s not your fault, Cas," Dean says, quietly but with conviction strong enough to move Heaven and Earth. Each word is a puff of air against Cas’s mouth and his lips tingle with the memory of kisses, both welcome and unwelcome. "I want to kiss you."

Dean doesn’t. Instead, he waits, and it hits Cas that he’s  _waiting for permission_. Cas’s knees feel suddenly weak, though with relief or gratitude he can’t tell.

"Please," he croaks out, and Dean obeys instantly. His mouth is on Cas’s mouth, lips closed and gentle. He pulls back for a moment, as though testing Cas’s reaction, and then he’s back. The kisses are achingly sweet and soft and even Dean’s tongue, when it sweeps across Cas’s bottom lip, is almost hesitant. Cas lets his lips part, inviting Dean in, and then he’s tasting Dean again for the first time in months.

He’s missed this.

The kiss breaks and Dean pulls back. Dean’s eyes look suspiciously damp, but Cas dismisses it as a trick of the light.

"Dean?" he says. Dean smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

"It’s late," Dean says. "We should get some sleep, it’s been a long day."

Cas nods uncertainly. He doesn’t want to let go, and since Dean isn’t moving away, he hangs on. He wants Dean to hold him again, but he doesn’t know how to ask for that.

Dean clears his throat.

"Stay?" he asks quickly, like he’s not sure he can. "We don’t have to do anything, just… stay."

Cas feels almost weak with relief. No longer worried that Dean was about to ask him to leave, he nods.

"Yes." He looks down at his clothing. "I’ll need sleepwear, though."

He and Dean have slept together naked before, mostly after they’d collapsed, exhausted from making love, but the idea of nudity right now makes Cas feel too vulnerable. Dean just nods, relief lighting up his eyes.

"I should have something in the closet." He lets Cas go reluctantly to search the closet, but he returns within minutes. There is a pair of plaid grey pants in his hands. They look soft and warm and Cas accepts them gratefully. 

"I’m gonna go brush my teeth," Dean says. "I don’t think we have a spare toothbrush in the bunker, though, so you might have to wait until tomorrow."

Cas nods. Dean leaves, and Cas uses the time to get changed.

The air feels cold against his skin when he takes off his sweater. It’s even colder against his legs and he shivers as he pulls the pants on. They’re a little loose, but he tugs the drawstring tight and knots it securely.

Dean still isn’t back yet. Cas climbs into the bed and burrows beneath the covers on the right side. He rests his head upon his pillow and pulls the blankets up to his chin. The chill abates and he allows himself a moment to relax. The mattress is comfortable, almost impossibly so as he’s spent the past few weeks sleeping on concrete or cardboard. His body aches.

Dean comes back and closes the door behind himself. He strips casually while Cas watches, though he leaves his boxers and Tshirt in place. He climbs into bed with Cas and gives him a small smile. It’s warm, genuine, and Cas smiles back. He feels something loosen in his chest. He feels lighter.

He lifts his arm and the blankets, a wordless invitation for Dean to come closer. Dean does so eagerly, like he’d only been waiting for Cas to ask.  
Now back in Dean’s arms and in his bed, Cas finally feels himself relax completely.

"Goodnight, Dean," he says. The words roll off his tongue easily and he smiles.

“‘Night, Cas,” Dean says in quiet reply. Cas can tell that Dean is still thinking, probably about what happened, and he shivers a little. He moves closer to Dean and closes his eyes. He breaths in Dean’s scent, listens to the sound of his breathing, and concentrates on the warm, strong arms wrapped tightly but not trappingly around him.

Here, he feels safe.


End file.
